WAM! Wrap Up: Part 1 of 2

[Note: This is not my first response to WAM! My first response, the one filled with care and hope and love for the amazing women I met in Boston was published here, on my wifey's blog. The post below, not so much full of love.]

from the moment i heard about wam, i knew it would be hard.

as i put in time off requests, booked a bus ticket and hotel room, registered for sessions, i knew it would be hard.

talking with my wifey about her session, the schedule, who would be there, what it would be like. what would be happening in light of the election. what would be happening in light of the blogosphere.

i knew it would be hard.

as i set my out of office response on email at work and said goodbye to my co-workers, answering their “ENJOY YOUR VACATION!” with “i don’t this counts as ‘vacation,’ but thanks,” i knew it would be hard.

but i was still excited.

i was excited to see my wifey present and meet the women i’d heard so much about. bfp had an advance warning that i was going to lovingly pummel her. and i did. when she had a jaw breaker in her mouth. next time i give her an attack-bear hug, i shall make sure she’s not eating anything potentially lethal first.

even though i knew the conference wasn’t going to be my dream progressive weekend, the title was women, action and media. yeah, i’m a woman, yeah, i make media, but action. ACTION. the title said action. and that was what grabbed me.

thursday: we arrive in boston. make jokes about taking the train to “alewife,” wonder if another train goes to “meadewench.” get to the hotel, meet up with nadia, meet up with sudy, meet up with a friend from college. we spend the whole night laughing. we wonder, on occasion, what friday has in store, but we’re laughing. nadia, sydette and sudy, so happy to be together again. sydette and i so happy to be spending time with our friend. me, so happy to be here, meeting these wonderful people.

friday morning: we hunt for food and eventually find it. we go to the stata center and check in. i watch women look at sydette, openly stare. register who she is and give a half smile and keep it moving. sydette goes to the bathroom at one point. i’m sitting with our stuff. previously staring woman number one of the weekend comes and sits by me. i have no idea who she is. she stares at me like she’s trying to figure out if i’m actually there with blackamazon or what. she gets up. walks away and sydette comes back.

nadia and sudy arrive and we go into the pre-conference networking session. i accidentally smack sydette in the face as i introduce myself to the group. “my name is katie, i have written and edited, but i am currently here to support the women who are sitting around me.” i say this, gesture to them and whack sydette in the face. awesome. i sit my ass down.

ten minutes into the discussion, sydette is writing me notes that say “BREATHE” and “STOP GRINDING YOUR TEETH.” i hear woman after woman bemoan the fact that her publication is “very white.” i swear if i hear the phrase “OWM” one more time (“old white men”) i’m going to strangle someone. sydette makes a few points and people ignore what she’s said but make sure to refer back to the fact that she spoke. i hear “like sydette was saying,” followed by NOTHING that has ANYTHING to do with what she’s said over and over. more notes that say “BREATHE.”

sudy takes a couple of pictures. one of the moderators cuts the other off and says “sorry we didn’t point this out before, but you may NOT blog about this. do not blog about this. you may not take pictures here.”

“do not blog about this.”

i am sitting with all but a few of the women in the room who have introduced themselves as primarily bloggers.

“if you blog about this, we will execute you.”

she repeats this too. people laugh.

one woman had just shared about death threats she has received because of her writing.

we break into groups. i have to stop my group to ask exactly WHAT we’re talking about – is the purpose of this break out group to determine how to get into the mainstream media or to determine how to use our work in the media to promote action?

i take away from this session that the point was to figure out how to get the jobs that old white men have. the end. not how to get them and make the workplace different for others. just how to get them.

i no longer believe the “action” in the title.

we leave, go flop at the hotel, get lex, and go back for the reception before helen thomas’s speech.

i would like to thank wam for feeding me bread before providing me an open bar. and i would like to thank them for putting that open bar in the room before they let their director (i think that was her title) speak. because without wine, i would have found jail.

NOW, i went to wam with a purse that said “OBAMA IS MY HOMEBOY” and i rocked that shit proudly the whole weekend. by friday night, i had already learned just how many women at the pre-conference events didn’t know how to whisper by their audible reactions to, and discussions of, it. and as much as i knew there would be mentions of sexism and hillary’s campaign, i didn’t expect them to come in the huge form they quickly did.

the woman welcomed us all to the conference. and then she talked about the glory of “bitch is the new black,” and “what if we had a female don imus,” and how awful racism and sexism, are, but didn’t say anything about what obama has been through. just talked about hillary. and sexism.

“imagine if we had a female don imus.”

my wifey goes over. i, lex, and nadia rub her back. i stop myself from screaming “HELLO GERALDINE FERRARO” because, well, this is clearly not the place. the discussion continues and i am listening and furious.

“hillary’s ankles,” “hillary’s botox,” “hillary crying.”

i want to interrupt and ask why, if sexism is so much harder to deal with, hillary has not been called upon to give an address on the state of gender relations in the country.

we go downstairs and take our seats in the auditorium. we are sitting in the front row. there are roughly 700 people in the room.

helen thomas brings up the election. she says “racism is more verboten than sexism.” she later talks about the civil rights movement and how “women and blacks” fought together. i recall us history and think to myself.

1. TOGETHER? REALLY? no. white women, MY PEOPLE, did not fight WITH “blacks.” a few, maybe, most, hell no.
2. “women and blacks.” “women and blacks.” this phrase rings in my ears “women and blacks.” i didn’t realize the two were mutually exclusive. because, oh hmm, there are black women in the world. not that people haven’t been declaring left and right through this election that they should be picking a side.

sydette hands me her lap top. i check my email. a co-worker asks how the trip is going. i respond that i’m fighting the urge to bum rush an 87 year old woman. i turn off the computer. i’m still listening, and i’m still angry. people get up to ask questions. one woman asks if it’s okay to vote for someone just because they’re a woman. thomas responds and another hillary question comes in.

it is time for me to leave.

i have not walked out of a lecture, class or performance since i saw a bad production of the pajama game in tenth grade. but at this point, BECAUSE i respect helen thomas’ work and legacy and because my wifey has suggested i release my jaw and because i know that if i do the whole room will hear me scream, howl, and shake, i leave. i gather my belongings and walk up through the aisle, past people waiting to ask their own questions and i leave.

it is not even the end of the first day, and my friends and i have been openly watched and discussed. i have heard sexism privileged over racism, i have witnessed a room full of women more concerned with acquisition than action and i need to walk out now.